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Faye
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 5th, 2008 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 828 |
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Posted: Tue Jun 24th, 2008 07:40 am |
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The Blog, The Reason
http://martiansandme.blogspot.com
It wasn't the happy ending anybody would want. The girl didn't get the guy (and you hear the audience go "a w w w w w....").
It took her quite a while to see that there was nothing wrong in saying how she feels. After going through a lot of crap, she had obviously thought that the best way to deal with things was just be quiet. Save your dignity by not saying anything, wait and don't do anything, or let it all go, only to realize that she had been holding back so much, she wasn't being true to herself anymore.
The process of learning how to communicate with men had been difficult. Oh, she had friends. Lots of them. Grew up as one of the boys even. Papa's little girl and the thorn among the roses in between two brothers. But it was just different and difficult when she liked or fell for someone. But what made communication a bit harder was her inability to trust.
After finally understanding that she needed to learn how to express herself, she knew she had to start somewhere. This was why she created this blog. If she can't say it out loud, maybe she could write it instead.
"How long have you been reading my blog?" She had asked him. "How long have you known?"
The question wasn't an accusation of him toying with her feelings. On the contrary, she had felt grateful that he did read her blog, and surprised that he would even bother. If it weren't for this blog, the guy would obviously have no clue that she was falling for him already, and every moment they spent together was both heaven and hell for her.
She didn't want that kind of set up. What more, the guy had someone else. She had been there and back again and again and again, and she wants to break away from it. Unhealthy recurring patterns in relationships: always bad for one's health.
So she took the risk. The old story has to end somewhere. She needed to learn, needed to free herself of the guilt she had carried for not saying how she felt and thought with the men in her past. It must have sucked to be the guy who got the end of it. Or not.
And it wasn't simple. He was a good friend. Crossing the line could mean losing the friendship. She fell for him. Everything mattered after realizing that. Her inability to say how she feels, his girl friend, their class together, their time spent with each other, his happiness and her own, his girl friend's happiness, the future.
She knew he was different from the jerks and assholes she have come across with. She knew it by the way he talked in class. She knew it by the way he walked as if he owned the room. She knew it at the moment she saw him in the rain at the parking lot looking up at her the first night they introduced themselves to each other.
She really isn't an excellent judge of characters. If she was, she could have saved herself from all the pain she went through. But for some reason, she had trusted this man. He never took advantage of her weakness. And somehow he knew she was trying her best to be honest with him even before he has read her blog.
There's no reading between the lines in this blog. Her words are what they are - free writing, holding that moment when the mind and heart starts working. She's trying her best to keep it real, something she should have done long ago.
This blog is not dedicated to that man, as he joked in quite a pivotal moment. But she gives him the credit for being the reason to start it. It wasn't easy, because every word that came out was every word she felt wasted. Would he ever know? Would he ever realize how she felt about him?
How does it feel when you read something so nice about yourself? How does it feel when one is inspired to write poems or stories because of you?
Wonderful. Just simply wonderful.
And that previous line is without sarcasm. The girl knows so because she has read a story written about and because of her. But this is not to say she expects the guy to feel the same way. The case is different. The blog is read around the world, and not handed out in a small group in your Creative Writing class.
She knew he had tried. He had kept it all to himself too - figuring where to go and how to handle her. And she appreciates it more than he'll ever know.
We have called men Martians. Whoever wrote that book about the two sexes residing in two different planets has earned a lot of money for quoting it. She has never read it, and she very much doubts she will anytime soon.
The lessons she learned, however, are these (and Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus might have contained the same things):
1. Men are simpleminded creatures. They need to be told. They need to hear it from you.
2. No, they don't send mixed signals and if they do, you're not supposed to call them men. You're supposed to call them babies.
3. They want clear cut instructions.
4. Don't go bawling if you don't get what you want. Most of them don't know how to handle drama, and you would only find yourself left alone to deal with yourself when you give them drama.
5. Men love confidence. Those who don't are insecure of themselves. Lose those guys, please.
6. Even if you write it down, send them an email and text them, you still have to go over it again because they would forget.
7. They are not psychic. They don't practice mental telepathy. They cannot read your mind.
8. Give them time when they say they need time. Pushing it will only lead them to push you away.
9. Respect them. Oh yes. They are really the testosterone-driven pack who finds joy in chugging gallons of beer with the male tribe, and yes for the other thing this testosterone or whatever it is that makes them want "it" more than women do. But do not ever think that that is all they want. Those who want just that don't deserve the helmet when we throw rocks at them.
10. Love them. As friends, as brothers, as husbands, as colleagues, as partners, as equals, as mates, as lovers, or even as pets (I love pets). For all their imperfections, their unworthiness of your affection, their struggle to become the men they want to be. And for all your imperfections, your unworthiness of their affections, your struggle to become the woman you want to be... They will love you. Probably not the way you expect and want them to. But the best way they can like you do.
Ryan,
You may or may not be able to read this post (but I know you will one day), but I think you already know what I needed to tell you (in case you don't... Well then, "I LIKE YOU."). You have been such a great friend and colleague, even though we have only hung out in Asilomar and my favorite bar Buddha, and we only saw each other during Mondays. You're not a demi-god, but I somehow feel I've made you feel that way by now. But you are a good man.
Know that I appreciate everything that you have done for me, and know that above all this, I appreciate that you have respected me. I have never, in my entire life, done something like that ever before. Needless to say, consider yourself special because to me, that's what you really are. (Sigh, the demi-god image again.) I am so grateful I had a sounding board in you, and you had the patience to read my long emails (or did you?). Who knows? You might receive another one when I'm trying to grasp another random thought, or something that concerns my survival here in your beloved country.
I'm not going back to Facebook because I have learned that if you really want to keep in touch with someone, seeing your friend's profile and posting notes on her page really doesn't cut it. I'm not going back to Facebook because I have 6 blogs and 2 online communities I am committed to now. And I'm not going back to Facebook because I just do not want to.
Thank you for teaching me that I need to learn how to talk. Thank you for listening. Thank you for making me think that not all men are martians. Thank you for being honest with me.
I highly doubt today was our last day together. For some reason, I know I will be seeing you again and would be giving you another hug. Under any circumstances right now, however, I am not in the position to enjoy your company. I am an old soul, and I had carried wounds that run too deep it would take some time for me to completely heal. I need to recover, in the hope that next time I am with you, I will clearly see who you really are in my life and you will clearly see who I am in yours too. Being wise and experienced are of no value sometimes when we deal with emotions. I know you understand.
But this I tell you now... I am still your friend, and I will continue to love you the best way I can. Call me for whatever. But don't call me anytime soon! You know where to find me, and you know how to know how I'm doing (Hola Faye's blogs!). I still might write a couple, several, countless blog entries about you. But please don't let them get into your head. You're not the only man I've shared my life with (HaHa!), and I think there will be another after you. I'm here if you need me. Good luck in Berkeley!
God bless you always! My angels rejoice for I have found a good soul like you. Nothing in this world is a coincidence. All is written by One Hand.
As always,
Faye
Last edited on Thu Jun 26th, 2008 09:26 pm by Faye
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dee
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| Joined: | Sun Jan 28th, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Jun 24th, 2008 12:44 pm |
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nice note to Ryan Faye
I hope you know somewhere in your heart that 'real' love is coming your way...the wheels are in motion...and the Divine Timing will show you why it is the way it is.
know you are loved....by Ryan...by Us...and by God...Your guides and your angels...not such a bad list of friends? you are in my thoughts always and my prayers as well....
Love to you..Dee
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dana64
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| Joined: | Wed Feb 27th, 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 699 |
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Posted: Tue Jun 24th, 2008 01:38 pm |
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| Faye I beleive real love is coming for you but you are such a special gifted and blessed woman that God and his angels are finding the right man to send your way because you need someone that is special and understands how special you are. We all love you here you have helped me so much, you have such words of wisdom and are so calming. I know everyone here feels as I that you are very special and loved by us all I am honorored to have a friend like you! You are a great teacher and inspiration. I always include you in my prayers.... Love dana
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namaste
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Posted: Tue Jun 24th, 2008 08:53 pm |
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Faith,
You are an excellent writer. Trust me I used to teach English.
Ryan does not know what he is missing.
Your perspective on men is right on. Wish it weren't so sometimes.
May God continue to hold you in the palm of His Her or Its hands. Lets hope He, She or It does not clap them however. HA.
namaste,
paul
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tallulah
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 06:46 pm |
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| Just thought I'd say.. I am consistently touched by how loving this community is towards each other.. may the time come when the whole world treats each other with as much respect, compassion & love. it WILL happen!
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Faye
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 5th, 2008 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 828 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 07:00 pm |
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I am sooo blessed to have been led to this site myself.
I don't even want to turn my computer off or close this window because of all the loving energy I get from it --- weird, but that is how i feel.
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atomic33
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 07:34 pm |
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| I know the feeling xxx
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Ellie
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 09:02 pm |
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I have talked about my expeiences with men before.Yes I have a good one now.It wasent always this way.I spent endless nights crying and looking out the window for some man who had no clue and knew nothing about me except that if he showed up he would get his needs fullfilled.This was partly if not mostly my fault.Eleanor Roosevelt said,"noone can make you a victim without your permission.Once I started living by that and started telling guys I was not going to let them use me things changed.I was able to weed out the good ones from the skunks.The good ones stuck around and tried to do better the skunks are still hiding under a rock somewhere.Well I should say the good one stuck around cuz Joe is the best.My dad was a good one.He rode out 50 years with my mom but she was pretty awesome her self.Well how about them apples, 2 awesome parents made an awesome kid,me.Its important to love yourself cuz how will anyone else love you?Know you deserve love and someone who will treat you like the beautiful human being you are.I do have a hard and fast rule.If a guy lies to me he is gone even once.I will forgive him but after that trust is compromised and I cant be with someone I cant trust.He will be forgiven but wont be with me anymore.Without trust a relationship has nothing to stand on.
Ellie
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Faye
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| Location: | California USA |
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 09:38 pm |
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| true. without trust a relationship has nothing to stand on.
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Faye
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 5th, 2008 |
| Location: | California USA |
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 11:19 pm |
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i closed the blog down...
limited access to authors now.
he can't read it anymore.
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Faye
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 5th, 2008 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 828 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 11:19 pm |
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| i hope i'm doing the right thing.
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