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Multisingularity
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 09:11 am |
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I appologise in advance for the length of this entry. I will start by saying I do not think I will ever actully kill myself, for as I have learned throughout my life, no matter how close I may come, I always fall short when I attempt. (Meaning The skin doesn't get pierced or I don't make the jump).
With that said, I will go on to add that just because I will continue living here, it doesn't change the complete lack of motivation I come to find. I think a lot and have a lot of philosophies on life and death (and I mean A LOT.) I feel I have a good... basic understanding on the working of the universe, at least some of the time (I often times forget the lessons I have taught myself and need to be reminded).
One more thing before I explain my past quarter of a year. I want to state that though I have been hurt and wronged, I hold no grudge against any of teh people about to be mentioned. They acted in ways that they thought were best, regardless of whether or not I understand why, or whether they were correct or not, I cannot be angry at them. If their actions weren't of the greatest quality, it is because they simply didn't know better, and as hard as it is for me to say, I do forgive them.
-----------------------------------The last 3 months---------------------------------------------------
The last 3 months have been the worst of my life. I have fallen more in love with this one person than I have ever been with anyone in my life... Almost immdiately after meeting her. Mostly because of some weird sort of preminition I felt, but also because I could just see the shine on her soul. Though in reflection, I can't help but think I was wrong. This girl, as amazing as she is, drove me absolutely insane. She toyed with my emotions in a way that hurt me more than I have ever been hurt by anyone... And that is saying a lot when one looks at my life. (I've had a lot of people (about 75% of the ones I have known) toy with my emotions). To give you an idea of the type of thing I am talking about: She would admit to loving me one day, and then the next threaten to poison me with visine. She once admitted to enjoying causing me pain.
The girl alone would be enough to drive a person crazy. But she was merely a small factor in things. The next person I would liek to bring up is a former housemate of mine. This person is a control freak. I have lived with him for 2 years, but it was not until recently that I could not tae it anymore. He invited 3 people to come move into our house, paying no attention o my possible feelings on the idea. He borrowed large sums of money from me, with no intention on paying me back. Eventually when I finally stood my ground, we got into a fight resulting in my nose getting broken, as well as some nice bruising to my face. I was able to get him to move out.
SO onto the people he invited to live with me. The one was the girl I was in love with (after only 2 weeks knowing her). Yes, he invited her to live with us.... I was not the one to. Though I must admit, of the 3, she was the one I was actually looking foward to living with. Well he, even though I told him I was in love with this girl and felt as though she was the one, hit on her every chance he got. (His actions were unknown to me at first, but they became more obvious as time passed). All her living with me did was amplify the paragraph previous to this one. The next 2 people I want to talk about led to problems far more... interesting. These two people are 50% older than I am. Both are professional piercers, and one is a tatoo artist. The one is a really kind person at heart who has lived a horrible nightmare of a life, and the other is a big man that is someone that has no problems with stealing, using, and taking advantage of people. He stole money from me, as well as other things. He took my car to Michigan (about 6 states away) for about a month. He too, only in a much more decieving manipulative sort of way, flirted with the girl. **Quick sidenote, when I say these people flirted with her, I do not mean in a subtle, I am overreacting sort of way... I mean they openly admitted to trying to take hurt and then tried to put in my face how they were going to be with her** Also I would liek to add, that after a lot of deliberation, I decided that I should not be angry at them for doing this. If this girl was truly meant to be with me, than it shouldn't no matter how many people hit on her. To further this reasoning, what if I was wrong and she was supposed to be with one of them? Should I stop those two from being in their perfect state of happiness simply because I had a miscorrect interpretation? No, of course not. But none the less, at the time, these actions just added more to my emotional stress levels. It was not too long until the girl that moved in (the older one) realized how bad the guy was and he was convinced to leave.
Now on to the 3rd, the nice 30 year old girl who has lived a life of hell. When she was living here still she tried to kill herself. I don't mean slightly tried to kill herself... I mean she cut herself everywhere. I have an image in my head that I don't belielve I will ever get out of this lady standing in front of me naked, with razor blade cuts all across her chest, her breasts, her nipples, her wrists long ways, her inner thighs, her outer thighs, and her stomach. SHe was bleeding profusely and while standing there gave me an oral suicide note, telling me how much this was not my fault and I am one of the greatest people she has ever met..... This image haunts me. I had a bit of a mental breakdown that month. She lost about 3 pints of blood that night, but is ok now. I steam cleaned the floors. SHe too moved out.
..............I think that just about wraps up the true negative part of the last 3 months.
Onto now. I have all new housemates, all college students like myself, and I have taken it upon myself to be the responsible one in the house... In other words, I deal with the landlord, bills, make primary decisions after consulting housemates, ect. Things are looking up and I hope will continue to improve......
........I still feel terrible.
Maybe I just need more healing, but I feel alone and worthless.
This is a copy from my journal I posted earlier tonight.
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" I am writing this now because I feel horrible and I need a place to vent...
So why am I so miserable right now? Is it because I miss "girls name here"? Is it because I feel as though I fucked up with "girl before girls name here (referred to as girl2 from now on)"? Is it because I feel completely worthless? Maybe I just feel like an all over failure.... I feel I have gone through 16 years of school now and still have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I am not happy, and that makes me even more unhappy because I am trying so hard to just be ok... "Girl1" I am sure rarely ever even thinks about me anymore. "Girl2" has moved on. I miss them both. I miss "Girl2" for the wrong reason though; I miss her because she actually did care about me.... Sure we had differences, but she did love me. "Girl1" I miss for the right reasons, I just feel we would be perfect together, but that is a loss and in the past... I just need to move on.
I feel irresponsible, for even though I want so badly to support myself, I can't find anything I like doing.
Even in my recreational activities I feel worthless. I am just not good enough at any of them for it to matter. I have fun with them all, but I am just me. Nothing special and anyone that tries long enough surpasses me. It's been like that my whole life. I am naturally good at everything I do, but anyone can get better than me with enough effort. I tend to just stay at the same levels forever. I start off good and stay good. I never become anything more than that.
Every part of me just feels like a waste right now. My motivation is nill. Just moving takes more effort than I feel I can exert.
I don't know what to do. I want to drive somewhere, to where I don't know. I can't afford to, and I have no destination in mind.
I read The Four Agreements, amazing book. I just fail at ignoring the victim I suppose. But the pain comes from within, not from thought. It starts with a sore heart, and than I think about it. I don't know.... I just don't know.
As I lie here uncomfortably in my blue hat.
Too down on myself to make myself comfortable.
Ashamed of myself for feeling like this.
Ashamed of myself for being unable to be happy.
Ashamed at myself for feeling so lonely.
...... I am trying my best.
.............. I always try my best.
I should not be ashamed of myself if I know I am doing the best I can.
...I should not feel worse for feeling bad.
ow.
My heart hurts.
I hate money... I hate it so much. So much worry and pain comes from this worthless piece of cloth.
I took a break from writing at this point and went outside to stair at the street for a while... On the front porch... I just sat there, just thought, coming to no real conclusions.
I don't know what to say... I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make money.. I don't even know why I try anymore..
I am sure this feeling will pass... Not completely for a part of it is always usually lingering somewhere inside me. How well I hide it is how others view me. THe feeling will keep coming to the surface until I figure it out. I will keep feeling like this until I fix the things that are bothering me or until I find true inner happiness. So even if it is just in passing, it will be back unless somehow I manage to figure myself out.
Who I am, what I am, what I want to do, what I can do, who I want to be with, who will be with me. These questions haunt me.
I am going to post this public, because I don't like posting private posts. I am sorry for the sadness, but like I said, this was mostly for me to vent. I feel it has helped a little, though not as much as I would have liked... Hopefully enough to get me to go to sleep, another night down, another day with the chance of something miraculous to happen......"
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I really do wish to feel better. I wish to fully spiritually awaken. I wish to be happy and feel secure. I want the pain to go away. I want to have motivation again. I am trying very hard to heal, to get better, to learn. To be honest just writing this has made me feel a lot better. Maybe the reminder of what has passed, what I have made it through. Regardless... I don't know... As I said in the journal, I just don't know anymore.
I will finish this with a note from whence I started. The needle did not pierce my skin, and the blood continues to flow as it should.
-With love always, and remaining anonomous-
Me
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Moonspell
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 02:50 pm |
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Dearest Dominion, I am definately no expert but I think that you have made the first step by putting all this down on paper. This might sound silly but try writing out everything that has caused you misery and suffering in your life and everything that upsets you, then light a black candle and ask the angels and your spirit guides to help you banish all this negativity, and burn the paper where you have written it all down, when you are left with the ashes and the burnt out candle, go and bury them in the earth. If you need anymore help you are very welcome to send me a pm.
Love and Light
Moonspell
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RedBird
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 05:24 pm |
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Dominion,
All of us, every single one of us, are worthy to be treated with decency and respect. This man that stole from you, invited people to live with you without consulting you in the decision, took things without asking, has never been a friend to you. Obviously, he has his own issues he needs to address about how he can treat people with such a profound lack of respect. That is his woundedness. It is good that he is no longer living with you.
This girl that you say you love, she admits to enjoy causing you pain and threatens to poison you. This is dangerous and sadistic behavior. Bless you for being willing to love and share yourself. I will call to your attention your willingness to invite people in your life who would like to cause you harm. Do not judge yourself for this, but do be aware that this is something that needs healing.
Even considering to kill yourself, thinking of making any kind of attempt is a major warning sign, and you would be wise to heed to it. God is guiding you for certain or you wouldn't have come here.
Is there a counselor at your college you can talk to? Thinking of killing yourself is the symptom to many more issues. Dominion, I use to think about it too, and I was very unhappy. Like you, I even blamed myself because I couldn't be happy.
This is the time to make a commitment to take care of you. Number one is to keep yourself alive. Are you in the USA. If so the national suicide hotline numbers are 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433 or
1-800-273-TALK 1-800-273-8255
or go here to find a local number: http://www.suicidehotlines.com/
If you're not in the USA, google 'suicide hotline-{name of your country}
Keep the number with you and use it.
I would like to see you poor friend who cut herself take similar step to help herself. I will send my prayers for her and for you. Dominion, my road to feeling good did not happen all at once, so please give yourself some slack. Having a hard time does not make you less a person of God, less good, or less worthy of the happiness you deserve.
Love and Light,
RedBird
Last edited on Wed May 14th, 2008 05:33 pm by RedBird
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Multisingularity
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 07:39 pm |
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Thank you moonspell and I will consider doing this next time I get upset, for I am sure it will happen.
RedBird, thank you for your concern, but liek I said, I am not a danger to anyone (including myself). I don't have the ability to harm myself. I have been going through issues like this for about 8 years now. I have been to many a therapists and psychiatrists and they have yet to help. For the most part they just tell me things I know already or prescribe me bipolar medication... which I refuse to take. I don't believe I am bipolar, I just believe I have issues I need to figure out.
ANyway, I suppose that is all for now.
-Much love-
Me
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atomic33
Member
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 07:57 pm |
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Hi Dominion Having read your story there were purple streams coming off the screen which suggests to me you are in a healing process
The feeling I get is you are very suseptable to other peoples crap for want of a better word
it sticks to you like glue
NLP or EFT would be good for you it prgrammes your brain to break any mind sets / thought patterns and restore them to a healthier way of thinking
I am going to try it with me and my staff Im sure you could find something on the net if you google this subject
I think your intuition is right we become the people we are because of the experinces we have during life we all deal with things differntly
good luck on your path you ahev been guided to write what you have and from here on in things should get better
xxxxxxx
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atomic33
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 08:06 pm |
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| P.S ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE MENTIONED HAVE ISSUES THAT ARE NOT YOUR OWN PLEASE DONT TAKE THEM AS BEEN YOURS THIS NOT YOUR STUFF
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namaste
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 12:31 am |
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Dominion,
Hmmmmm.....Where to start? Those in your life who have problems are the ones with the problems. They are not yours. They can and have caused you pain. It is a no brainer to avoid such individuals. Don't give it a second thought. Move on.
You say you've had sixteen years of education. That tells me that you are a college student who has or is about to graduate with an undergraduate degree. Congratulations. You did not get this far without some effort and gray matter.
As for your feeling worthless. Hogwash. (sorry but I can be brutally honest at times). I will give you some advice that my mother gave me. It has served me well. She advised me to make a career out of something that I liked doing. Sounds easy. It is easy. She said she did not care if I were President of the United States or a garbage collector. At the moment I am a garbage collector of sorts. I used to have my own business and I have also taught. I am fifty five years old and I am still seeking my path. Most people I know are constantly re-evaluating their position.
Something that I have learned from this site is that each of us has been called to be here. WE all have a reason for being alive. None of us is alone. All you have to do is ask your Angels for assistance and it will be heard and if you listen you will be answered. Takes practice but not much. Do some reading. Like most 'round here I have found Dr. Doreen Virtue's books to be right on the money. Seems like they were written just for me. I have read "Angel's 101..." It is short, sweet and to the point. I read it in just a couple of sittings. I am currently reading "Divine Guidance" by Dr. Virtue. Great stuff.
Well, sir. I wish you well. You will find your niche and once you do you will feel like it was all meant to be. Try anything that you think you might like. If you like people use that as a means of seeking a job where you interact with people. If you like books same thing. If you like electronic stuff... if you like art.... if you like sports... you get the idea.
Don't worry.....It does no good. Relax. God wants you to be happy. Let yourself be who you were meant to be.
nuff for now.
paul
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Moonspell
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 08:15 am |
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Sound advice! Here is a man with lots of experience!
Love
Moonspell
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dee
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 10:47 pm |
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well Dominion,
I've read this post a few times...and still cannot find the words which I feel you need in order to pick you up and give you a reason to feel good about the things ahead.
It's been a whirlwind of drama for you that's for sure. that girl who just plays with your feelings...I have to say I am so glad she is out of the picture....she's pretty abusive to say the least. How sad for her that she finds enjoyment in playing the games she does with people's hearts and emotions. She will be paying a high price for that karmic act. Lets hope the day will come when she wakes up and realizes the results of her actions and just how harmful they have been...hopefully the day will come when she is truly sorry and then God will forgive her. what matters now is where you go from here.
You have done nothing wrong...and if all of this was some kind of karmic debt for you...well...I think you've paid that debt. I feel you are a kind and loving soul...maybe you and she were together in a past life....that would explain the intense connection so quickly...I've connected with someone from my last life....it was SO intense I could hardly believe a human could love someone that intensely. but I did...but it wasn't meant to be this time....and it didn't work...no matter how much love their was...if it isn't meant to be it won't be. it was the saddest day of my life when it had to end forever...I thought I would never be the same and never feel love in my heart again....with all the prayers and angels etc...they really helped me ...I prayed so hard and long for that hurt to go...and I did find peace...the love is still there...20 years later...but, I AM at peace with it...that's the best we can do...
there is something inside of you telling you what to do next...are you listening to it? Is someone up there trying to tell you something? I get the feeling you know what you need to do next but you're still in pain and don't want to put forth the effort...I know how tired your spirit is...but, I promise you that if you ask for the help and ask for direction and listen...you will see things differently...and when you do and take that first step HE will walk beside you every step of the way....Don't you know they led you here? we have all been led here....think about those thoughts that go thru your head day and nite....the ones that tell you what you should be doing....think about the things you deep inside want to be doing...please dig deep...
I feel it is time for a lifestyle change for you...so...what...and who...do you want in your life...(excluding those two women)...new people...what do you want to change...about you and about your life...
you said you are good at everything...but that you never get beyond being good...but then you said you are doing the best that you can....so, maybe it's time to step it up...and get better than really good at something and become 'great' at it...and being great as a human being is about the best thing you could possibly be...do what you love.....like Paul said......the worst thing we do to ourselves is get up and go to a job that we hate....and yep...money sucks....we have done that to ourselves as well.......so, what do you really really WANT to do more than anything....ask for the guidance Dominion...put it out there...shed this guilt you feel....I hope you know you have done nothing wrong...better things are ahead of you.......I mean really...after the crap you've been through recently how could it get worse....A change is needed...major change...
I wish I knew how to help you...I only hope you can find the faith in yourself to keep going forward and think and dig deep...it will come around for you if you take the steps to make it happen....there is someone out there for you...but I am getting that you need to clear up 'this area' before that person can come into your life...I mean really...I don't think you're in any shape for someone yet....Get your life on an upward spin....work with that guide of yours and God to get you there and then the woman meant for you will be able to come and just fit right in...so, get ready.!!! lol
Hope something we have all said here is of some help.....we all speak from our hearts...we really do care...and if there is anything further we can help with please just ask...and please let us know how you are doing...
I'm putting you in my prayers Dominion...and many in here will too.
Much love Dee
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Faye
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Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 09:04 pm |
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Thank you for posting this one, my friend. I feel you are on your way to a path of recovery.
Everyone gave great advice. You are always in our prayers.
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