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urielpaxettu
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| Joined: | Thu Apr 22nd, 2004 |
| Location: | athol |
| Posts: | 1 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 29th, 2004 03:39 am |
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Hi. I am urielpaxettu. I have thoughts from time to time of dying because dragging this body through this world is getting more difficult. I have prayed for help, blessings, w/ and for so many others. Years of denying myself and picking up my "cross" but willingly. Now I am getting ready to stay in bed, quit the world. I never had people skills needed to be successful and happy in personal relationships. Somethng is lacking in me that people having good relationships possess. I am sensitive and have prayed for relief and to be self-confident year after year, support group after support group and spiritual retreat after retreat.
Some positive change has to happen in me or I am quitting because my heart has been broken so many times I am afraid to try socializing. If I cannot learn to recognize trustworthy people and grow into a relationship of any kind I will be alone and lonely forever. I will not go thru life this way. I do not have any plans. I know that one day I will just do it, unless I am truly healed and strong emotionally, in healthy relationships. :-/
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a_lost_in_heart_angel
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Posted: Fri Apr 7th, 2006 03:31 pm |
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i have frends and i would be miserable if i was alone but i want to die because my frends they die all around me i'll be your frend if thats why you want to die i hate for you to die alone i'm here i always help but my life is falling to pieces because of god's plan for me maybe he wants me to help people like you Attachment: anglica.jpg (Downloaded 35 times)
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Rags
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| Joined: | Thu Mar 25th, 2004 |
| Location: | Washington USA |
| Posts: | 72 |
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Posted: Sat Jul 1st, 2006 08:51 am |
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Urielpaxettu,
This is my first time back on this site in a long while. I want you to know that there are those who care for you. I personally care. I have never met you, to my knowledge, and I likely never will. But that doesn't change the fact that your happiness and well being in life greatly impact my own.
I have read your post. I have taken in your cry and now it is a part of me. Now you are a part of me, and one that I see dearly. As a distant friend now, I reach out to you.
I will not claim that somehow my longing for your survival will protect you. That choice is yours alone. No angel will make it for you. But do believe me, please, when I tell you that it makes a difference. You are loved. Even by a stranger.
My heart breaks. My soul strains. But I live on.
I do so because I need to be there for those I care about. I live on because even if they do not see me, I see them and I love them...
What will you live for? What would you die for?
Dont give up. Whatever may happen, you will find the strength to stand again.
Farewell Friend.
-Rags
if you need to talk. please, feel free to contact me. broken_rags@hotmail.com
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linz
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 12th, 2006 01:55 pm |
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This website only came to my attention yesterday. I read your post for the first time today. Are you still there? I pray so. Write back, at least to let us know you have not given up hope.
Your life is valuable. Remember that old hymn, "His eye is on the sparrow, so I know he watches me" ? I believe that. You are known. You do matter.
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sicilianmix77
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | PUFFY CLOUD, USA |
| Posts: | 37 |
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Posted: Mon Jul 17th, 2006 11:21 pm |
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Linz are we on the same page or what! this is crazy..i haven't connected with anyone on here..and all of a sudden you came along? weird...we stumble on the same pages...and everything...hello...lol
its like i see your name all over...faite or the angels....hmmmm lol you smilin again? lets see if we can sprinkle some spirit dust around....
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linz
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Tue Jul 18th, 2006 01:47 pm |
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That sounds like a great idea! I've not spent much time with forums. I usually feel pretty invisible. But there was something about this web site and the timing in my life that seemed to evoke a different response in me. I wasn't sure if anyone else visited often enough to make it a forum. There is definitely something positive at work here.
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sicilianmix77
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | PUFFY CLOUD, USA |
| Posts: | 37 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 19th, 2006 03:38 am |
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HEY WHATTA KNOW HEA WE ARE AGAIN...YOUR RIGHT...I DON'T EITHA BUT LIKE I SAID..I STUMBLED TOO..I DON'T VISIT ANYWHERE EITHA...BUT IM HEA NOW...I DON'T BUT FOR SOME REASON ITS LOOKIN LIKE OURS...I HOPE SOMEONE WILL CUT IN AND NOT JUST READ THESE BUT ALSO RESPOND AND TALK WITH US...BUT IF NOT IT WILL BE ANOTHER POST SENT AND READ BUT NOT RESPONDED TOO... LINZ YOU CAN ALSO SEND ME AN IM IF YOU WANT TO CHAT ON MY AIM ....OR MY YAHOO..ADDRESS..ANYTIME YOU SEE ME ON.... ANGEL...(AKA) JAE..LOL
IF I CAN REACH OUT AND HELP ANYONE IT WILL BE GREAT...I WORKED IN A GROUP HOME FOR GIRLS AND YEA THEY LOVED ME AND NO IM NOT OLD!!! I ALSO WORKED WITH GANG MEMBAS FOR ABOUT 8 YRS...MOSTLY BOYZ AGES 13-20 AND I LOVE THEM TO DEATH! SO I HAVE A GREAT UNDERSTANDING ABOUT SO MANY PERSONALITIES AND DON'T JUDGE...I LOOK AT EVERY SITUATION AND LISTEN INTENTLY...
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linz
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 19th, 2006 01:57 pm |
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I appreciate you, Jae. You must have a wealth of experience with kids that would probably overwhelm me. It's good you're here. Morning, for a relatively short time, is my time on the computer. This web site has actually brought me to the computer every morning (except Sat and Sun) since I joined. Usually, unless I'm emailing a conversation with my son in Kuwait, I was only getting on line about once a week.
Thank you for the invitation to IM and email you personally.
 smilin'
linz
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sicilianmix77
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | PUFFY CLOUD, USA |
| Posts: | 37 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 19th, 2006 02:20 pm |
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VERY WELCOME...AND EXPERIENCE I GUESS YOU CAN SAY....BEING FROM THE INNER-CITY WATCHING AND NOT JUDGING. I STARTED OUT WORKING WITH SMALL CHILDREN, NOTICED HOW LITTLE TIME PARENTS SPENT WITH THEIR KIDS. KIDS RUNNING THE STREETS AT THE PARK A NIGHT AS YOUNG AS 5-6 BY THEMSELVES ISN'T UNCOMMON. BELIEVE ME I WAS MORTIFIED WHEN I HAD MY OWN AND STARTED TO REALLY NOTICE THIS. I THEN DECIDED TO WORK IN THE SCHOOL SYSTEM WITH BIGGER KIDS AND IT WAS THERE THEY PUT ME WITH THE KIDS THAT WANTED TO BE THERE BUT HAD THE ATTITUDES THAT NO ONE WANTED. THEY GAVE ME A CLASSROOM OF 8 WITH ANOTHER TEACHER THEN IT WENT TO 15 AND THREW ME INTO AN ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL AND I WAS OFF....LOL AMAZING WHAT WHAT ONE PERSON CAN MAKE..EVEN IF ITS ONLY FOR A SHORT TIME...
I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOUR SON...WITH FAITH LIKE YOURS IM SURE HE'LL BE JUST FINE....
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linz
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 20th, 2006 06:56 pm |
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LOL I just replied to another post and hoped you'd share more of your story...and here you already had! That's cool! And what a story it is. Your story is powerful.
My orientation in life is a bit different. I am the oldest of two children. My brother is 4 years younger. My dad has been a minister all my life and my mother, who has mellowed, was the child abuser. She made our childhood a living nightmare. My father always had time for everyone else's family, but couldn't seem to see what was right under his nose. And I grew up feeling so guilty that I couldn't save my brother from the physical and emotional harm. They're divorced and remarried and my brother lives in the mid-west. We rarely have any contact.
It's a long and tangled story that has brought me here. Life is a wild ride. I've lived around a lot of pretense and keeping up appearances. It's taken me years to learn how to just be real with folks instead of always trying to gain their approval. I guess it doesn't get more real than the inner city. And it sounds like you have really been able to make a difference. Your inspiration motivates me to examine my own life to see if I really do make enough of a diference in the world around me.
Thanks,
linz
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sicilianmix77
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | PUFFY CLOUD, USA |
| Posts: | 37 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 02:22 am |
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That sux...and yes my mother was also...what a problem she had too...what is called now bypolar...in denial...with so much anger as we were growing up middle of 3 girls..my mother actually just left my dad after 38 yrs..he just survived lung cancer last yr...had one lung removed..and hes raising my little sister 33 little drug abusers 2 kids..if she only recognized her illness and got proper help...she was horrible growing up the breakdowns and tantrums...language at us oh i got the worst of it...blacksheep and all and also i was blessed with the same thing but i do get help and im fine....but its whateva though...I think thats why im so good with the kids at my job...and with their parents who suck at parenting (sad to say it like that).
But its whateva though....We all have issues for a reason...gods testing us for a reason and i guess mine could be much worse...Im so thankful that its not that bad...
Funny thing is i could careless about gaining anyones approval for anything as long as im not breaking any laws and eveyone is healthy because of my actions...im good.
jae 
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linz
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 02:13 pm |
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I'm learning Your encouragement is valuable and I'm so glad we met here. Maybe today will be a day someone new joins the conversation!
Hope so!
linz
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guiding christy
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 25th, 2006 |
| Location: | North Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Sat Jul 29th, 2006 02:45 pm |
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urielpaxettu wrote: Hi. I am urielpaxettu. I have thoughts from time to time of dying because dragging this body through this world is getting more difficult. I have prayed for help, blessings, w/ and for so many others. Years of denying myself and picking up my "cross" but willingly. Now I am getting ready to stay in bed, quit the world. I never had people skills needed to be successful and happy in personal relationships. Somethng is lacking in me that people having good relationships possess. I am sensitive and have prayed for relief and to be self-confident year after year, support group after support group and spiritual retreat after retreat.
Some positive change has to happen in me or I am quitting because my heart has been broken so many times I am afraid to try socializing. If I cannot learn to recognize trustworthy people and grow into a relationship of any kind I will be alone and lonely forever. I will not go thru life this way. I do not have any plans. I know that one day I will just do it, unless I am truly healed and strong emotionally, in healthy relationships. :-/
Okay, put your sunglasses on because there is light if you turn around and walk back to the very beginning of the path your on. You do realize,urielpaxettu, that your socializing right now with us, so you haven't really given up you know throughout life someone dear to you will hurt you whether it be deliberatly,or not. Thats part of your spiritual growth process it makes you stronger, you are going to have to mentally knock that brick wall down that you have built around and keep plugging along. It's nice to have a significant other in your life but it's not a necessity. Friends I believe you need , you can't isolate yourself let your inner light shine outward people will respond if expand your inner light outward your responses will mostly positive responses
now thats not to say none will ever hurt, thats just part of life, I'm sure I can speak for all of us here, " that we have all been hurt at one point in our lives" but hey, the way I look at it is this, obviously they weren't worthy of your friendship and what wasn't meant to be wasn't meant to be. Usually where something misfortunate happens to you there is something good that comes after.OH and HEY I'm your friend , we're all your friends here! We love you , now you love you thats where it all starts!
With Much Love,
Christy
Oh Dear I just realized this is over 2 years ago I hope you've found your inner strengh!Last edited on Sat Jul 29th, 2006 02:46 pm by guiding christy
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